Reflections on an alcohol-free life

Jul 14

5 years ago, I made a conscientious decision to change the trajectory of my life by letting go of something that had stymied me through adulthood-alcohol, and I write to tell others in similar circumstances that it was easily the best decision I ever made. And while the thought of coping with all the strife and struggle this world can heave upon us alcohol free is indeed daunting, it is nothing short of a game changer; One that will pay dividends over a lifetime.

My decision to stop drinking spawned from alot of introspection about myself and my actions with regards to alcohol. I’d routinely find myself justifying my excess use of it with all the usual excuses and narratives: “I don’t drink during the work week but I cut a little loose on the weekend”, “I only drink with friends”, “I had a bad/stressful day at work” etc. etc. The list is endless of things we’ll tell ourselves and excuses we’ll make to justify our behavior when deep down we know we might have a problem. And make no mistake that transition from benign bad habit to dangerous and problematic behavior can be very subtle and insidious. In my own experiences and observations people’s relationship with drugs and alcohol starts in the very formative years of high school and college. And as we move through our twenties and into adulthood it remains a focal point of the majority of social interactions. Ideally our use of it changes and matures along with our age but unfortunately that is not always the case. For me (and I suspect many) alcohol slowly went from being an accessory to a great time to the centerpiece of said time. Every birthday, every party, every get-together, all dominated by alcohol; with many other drugs not far on the horizon. After many hungover mornings filled with blurry memories of cringe worthy events I’d hoped were not true, it finally dawned on me that I really did have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I never drank in moderation; it might of started out that way with me pacing myself to go the distance, but soon all bets were off and I raged. And when I reflected on it, truly almost every regrettable thing I ever said or did invariably came back to being drunk.

Now I don’t want to come off as a total hardass or prude and do believe that much of the above is par-for-the-course while you’re in your 20’s. A part of growing up and a road (albeit a dangerous one) that we travel through on this journey in life. The crux of the problem-in my mind-is the hazardous associations that we form with alcohol and other substances through those formative years. Recreational use where alcohol augments and enhances a good time can easily morph into something that is absolutely necessary for the “good time”-a precursor if you will. It begins to dominate the landscape of your social life dictating many particulars; from your arrival to your departure. to if you’ll even go or not! Depending on what the alcohol situation is looking like! Sound familiar? And while you’re at whatever social function it will often fuel no shortage of bad decisions that at best will result in a few embarrassing drunken conversations-at worst hungover in a jail cell coming to terms with something truly horrible…

As I entered my thirties something peculiar and dark happened. I went from consuming alcohol in excess only on the weekends with friends at house parties to drinking by myself in solitude. By this point the tolerance had built up through the years and I was able to put away frightening amounts of beer and hard liquor and found myself chasing that warmth, that feeling, that buzz. There’s no need for me to get all into the details as I’m a big fan of blunt straight forward talk. If any of this resonates with you and you find yourself looking to drugs or alcohol not to celebrate something good and positive but to cope with hardship and self-medicate you have a problem, plain and simple. As they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, but for the sake of brevity I’m not going to get into all of that and what comes with 12 step programs. To be honest I think that they sometimes make a simple problem way bigger than it needs to be and amplify a monster which just needs to be snuffed out quickly without hesitation. I’m sure many would balk at such a cavalier approach and attitude but that’s me. I think that often times the more you concentrate on something and think about it the more life it takes on and powerful it becomes. Crudely put if you think you have a problem GET AHEAD OF IT; before it does in fact become something that legitimately does need the help of such programs or medical intervention. That is what I did and I didn’t have a bonafide problem at the time per-say, but I was well on my way. Have a heartfelt conversation with yourself and if you find yourself having a hard time with moderation or you find it negatively impacting things and relationships important to you in your life, it’s time to quit. And be careful of the false rational that will keep you from doing such; “I’ll slow down, I’m gonna quit beer and liquor and only drink wine” (a personal favorite of mine), “I’ll only have 3 or 4 beers after work” etc. etc. There’s no shortage of things we’ll tell ourselves in order to carry on with behavior and habits that we want so desperately to continue, but deep down if you do some soul searching-you’ll arrive at your truth.

Before I finally made the decision to quit alcohol it dominated my life. It dictated who I hung out with, what I did, where I went, and how long I stayed. I was a prisoner to it, constantly working out the logistical nightmares of including it in every activity I did. From hiking to biking, sailing to camping, it was everywhere. And now that I’ve finally broken the shackles of it, I enjoy a feeling of freedom I’ve never known. A freedom to go anywhere, do anything, and see anyone without worrying about whether or not alcohol would be involved. It is a feeling I sincerely hope everyone with such dependency gets to feel one day.

-A.J.S

Some great content below worth checking out.

An amazing interview with this legend. 4:15 minutes in Dan Carlin talks about substance abuse and his experience with it.

Ben Affleck with a direct and to-the-point conversation about compulsion.

Moving interview with Robin Williams before he passed.